Anyone else have a friend who hates routine even though everyone says it should help?

By Real Ray C on Mon Nov 03 2025

So, my friend recently diagnosed absolutely despises structure and routine and honestly, I find it kind of fascinating. Everyone always talks about how routines are the holy grail for autistic people how they bring calm, predictability, and comfort. But for him, it’s the complete opposite. The second something becomes scheduled, he starts to feel trapped. If he knows he has to be somewhere at a specific time, he starts procrastinating or gets anxious until he just cancels altogether. He’s been doing gig work lately because it lets him work when he wants no fixed hours, no manager breathing down his neck and it’s the first time I’ve seen him genuinely happy and less stressed. It made me wonder: how common is this? Are there others here who feel more comfortable without a routine, or who find flexibility more grounding than structure?

Replies (10)

Charlotte: I wish more people talked about this side of it the diversity within the spectrum. It’s honestly what makes our community so interesting.
JugglingNothing: Exactly! Autonomy is the key word. I think that’s what ties all of this together. Whether someone loves routine or hates it, it’s about having the freedom to decide what works for you. When I stopped trying to copy what other autistic people said worked for them, I finally started feeling more at peace.
Real Ray C: Yeah, he’s definitely learning to trust his instincts more. For a while, he thought he was “doing autism wrong” because he didn’t like structure. It’s been nice seeing him realize that his version of comfort just looks different. And I totally agree — gig work has been a game-changer for him. He’s actually thriving now that he can follow his own rhythm.
JugglingNothing: That’s interesting, Eli. I think what you said about rebellion really resonates. I’ve noticed that when I choose my routine, I love it. But when someone else imposes it even if it’s something I’d normally do, I suddenly hate it. 😂 Maybe it’s not about routine vs. no routine, but about autonomy. Like, who’s in charge of how your day goes.
Charlotte: Your friend sounds like he’s really self-aware, which is awesome. It takes a lot to go against what everyone says “should” help. I wish more people understood that autism isn’t a checklist, it’s a spectrum of experiences.
Eli Mercer: Yes! “Anchors” is the perfect word for it. I do that too, like I always eat lunch around the same time, but I don’t schedule what I’ll eat or where. It gives me a sense of rhythm without the stress of strict timing. I think a lot of us were taught that “routine = success,” but for some autistic people, it’s more like “routine = burnout.” 😅
Real Ray C: That actually makes a lot of sense. My friend says something similar, that he feels “boxed in” when things are too planned. I think people forget that structure can feel like pressure instead of comfort for some. It’s been interesting watching him figure out what works. He’s so much calmer now that he’s not forcing himself into a routine that doesn’t fit. I guess it’s all about finding your own version of balance.
JugglingNothing: I used to live with another autistic guy who was like your friend. He’d get extremely anxious if I tried to plan things too far in advance. He said it made him feel like his day wasn’t his own anymore. Once I stopped pushing structure on him, he relaxed a lot. It really showed me how different our needs can be, even with the same diagnosis.
Charlotte: Same here, Eli. I used to think something was wrong with me because I couldn’t stick to a routine like everyone said I should. I tried planners, alarms, even those “habit tracker” apps all they did was make me anxious. I think for some of us, it’s not the routine itself that’s the problem, it’s the pressure behind it. Once it feels like an obligation, it becomes overwhelming. I perform better when I have “anchors” instead of routines. For example, I always have coffee in the morning, but the rest of my day can flow as needed. ☕
Eli Mercer: Oh my god, yes. I relate to your friend so much. I’m autistic too, and everyone always told me that having a routine would “fix” my stress. But honestly? It just made it worse. The moment I know I have to do something at a certain time, my brain rebels. I start overthinking, procrastinating, and then feeling guilty for not sticking to it. 😩 I work freelance now for the same reason your friend does. I can choose when I work, and that freedom actually helps me function better. I still have a loose structure (like, “I’ll do this sometime today”), but nothing strict. It’s weird how people assume all autistic folks thrive on routine when it’s clearly not one-size-fits-all.