Growing up autistic and not really understanding friendship

When I was younger, I thought friendship meant sharing everything. I’d give people my food, let them borrow my books, lend out stuffed animals, and assume that meant we were close. I didn’t really understand the unspoken rules behind friendship. I just thought being generous was how you kept people around. A lot of the time, it didn’t go well. Things came back damaged, or never came back at all. That part hit hard because I cared deeply about my belongings. I kept my things in perfect condition. I’d carefully organize my books, protect my toys, and even put things back exactly where they belonged after using them. Eventually, I stopped sharing because I got tired of losing things that mattered to me. But when I stopped sharing, something else happened too. I realized I didn’t actually have friends. I had people who liked what I could give them. That realization is difficult when you’re a kid. For a while, books became my safe place. Reading felt easier than figuring people out. Stories had structure. Characters made sense. There were rules, patterns, and predictability that real-life friendships didn’t always have. Looking back, I think a lot of autistic kids grow up misunderstanding friendship because social connection often gets learned through observation, trial and error, and subtle cues. If those cues don’t come naturally, it’s easy to confuse kindness with connection or access with closeness. The friendships that felt real usually happened by accident. Sometimes another quiet or awkward kid would sit nearby enough times that a connection formed naturally. Those friendships felt different because there wasn’t pressure to perform socially. It was just two people existing in the same space without judgment. I still think about how rare those moments felt. Having one person who talked to you consistently could completely change how school felt. Even having two friends at once could make you feel like you finally belonged somewhere. I think a lot of autistic people grow up learning friendship differently. Not because we don’t want connection, but because the rules often feel invisible. It takes time to figure out who values you for who you are and who only values what you provide. And when you finally experience a real friendship, even a small one, you realize how different genuine connection feels compared to simply being tolerated.