Just Try Harder” Isn't Always Helpful When You're Already Trying Your Hardest

One of the most frustrating experiences for many autistic people is being told to “try harder” by someone who has no idea how hard we're already trying. Someone sees you struggling with something that looks simple from the outside and assumes you aren't putting in enough effort. What they don't see is everything it took just to get to that moment. They don't see the mental rehearsal. The effort to stay focused while dealing with sensory distractions. The time spent trying to understand what was actually expected. The processing time. The energy spent figuring out how to respond. And sometimes, the exhaustion from spending the entire day trying to keep up. I've had people mistake difficulty for laziness and silence for not listening. They'll say: “Why don't you just try?” Or: “You're capable of so much more.” They may genuinely mean to encourage you. But when you hear those words repeatedly, they can start to sound less like encouragement and more like: “I don't see the effort you're making.” The strange part is that I might spend hours working on something another person thinks should have taken twenty minutes. And I can still struggle. From the outside, it looks like I didn't try. From the inside, it can feel like I gave everything I had. That's why I don't think the answer is always to push someone harder. Sometimes the better question is “What's making this difficult for you?” Maybe the instructions aren't clear. Maybe the environment is overwhelming. Maybe the person needs more time to process information. Maybe they understand the task but struggle with the executive functioning needed to start or complete it. Maybe they need to learn it in a different way. Or maybe they're simply exhausted after spending the entire day navigating demands that other people don't have to think about. And this doesn't mean autistic people should never be challenged. We can learn. We can grow. We can develop skills. We can have high expectations placed on us. But meaningful progress doesn't always come from demanding more effort. Sometimes it comes from understanding where the difficulty actually is and changing the approach. Support isn't necessarily lowering the standard. Sometimes it's building a different path toward the same goal. So instead of: “Try harder.” Try: “I can see you're trying. What would make this easier?” That question can completely change the conversation. Autistic people don't always need someone to lower the expectations. Sometimes we need someone to understand that the path toward meeting those expectations may look completely different. And honestly, being seen for the effort you're making, not just judged by the outcome, can make an enormous difference.