How I Made Peace with Cooking

 

I still remember the first time I tried to cook dinner by myself. I was 19. I thought it would be simple, just follow the recipe, right?

 

But the moment I turned on the stove, everything started to feel wrong. The oil began to crackle so loudly it sounded like fireworks going off in my head. My heart started pounding. The overhead light felt like it was stabbing into my eyes. I couldn’t remember what step came next, even though the cookbook was right there.

 

And then I burned the onions. I remember standing in the kitchen, fighting back tears, thinking: I’m never doing this again.

 

For years, I believed I just wasn’t cut out for cooking. That it was another thing “normal” people could do without thinking, and I’d always feel like I was failing at it.

But later, when I moved into my place, I decided to try again on my terms.

 

I made a list of everything that made cooking so hard for me:
🔸 Loud sounds
🔸 Harsh lights
🔸 Too many steps all at once
🔸 Pressure to go fast

 

Then I started removing them, one by one.

I got a little lamp with warm light instead of using the ceiling fixture. I started prepping all the vegetables first and putting them in bowls. I set out the recipe in big, clear steps. And I gave myself permission to stop and breathe whenever I needed.

 

It didn’t magically make me love cooking overnight. But it made it possible. And little by little, something changed. The kitchen stopped feeling like a battlefield. It became a quiet space where I could move at my speed.

 

Now, when I cook, it feels almost peaceful. Like I’m proving to myself that I deserve the same good meals as anyone else, even if I have to get there differently.

If you’ve ever felt like you can’t cook because you’re autistic or because your brain just works differently, please know you’re not alone.

 

You’re not failing. You’re adapting. And that’s something to be proud of.