Holding Out for the Day When I'm Okay

Let's talk about something we often keep to ourselves: it's okay not to feel okay. 

 

There are days when I'm far from okay. Days when my thoughts spin in endless circles, creating a static buzz in my brain that I can't silence. Days when my body is a bundle of tension, my words stumble or disappear, and my heart feels weary.

 

But through it all, I keep whispering to myself:

"One day, I'll be okay." Not "healed." Not "mended." Not "less autistic." Just... okay. At peace. Comfortable in my skin.

 

I often think about that day. I don't know when it will arrive or what it will look like, but I cling to the hope of it. Perhaps it's a day when I wake up and my thoughts are serene enough for me to make coffee without spilling it.

That day might be a long way off, but I believe in its reality. Because even now, I catch glimpses of it:

✍ The friend who tells me to "take your time" when I'm quiet.
✍ The stranger who smiles instead of staring when I stim.
✍ The moment I allow myself to leave a crowded room. 
✍ The nights I sleep soundly, not fretting about tomorrow's social challenges.
✍ The times I laugh genuinely laugh and don't feel self-conscious about it.

 

These are small peeks at what "okay" feels like. I believe being okay isn't about never facing difficulties. It's about knowing you can handle them. It's about allowing yourself to break down, yet still treating yourself with kindness afterward. It's about not constantly battling with yourself.

 

So if you're like me, if you're waiting for that day, please keep holding on.

We're allowed to hope for better. We're allowed to desire peace. We're allowed to say I'm not okay now, but maybe one day I will be.

 

And when that day arrives for you, or me, I hope we recognize it. I hope we bask in it, cherish it, and remind ourselves that we've earned it. Until then, I'm holding on. And I hope you are too.