Growing up inside chaos and what I wish someone had told me back then

I want to share something that’s been sitting with me for a long time because I know there are people who grew up in homes that looked “normal” from the outside but felt completely different on the inside. When I was a teenager, home didn’t feel safe or stable. It was just me and my mother. She struggled with serious mental illness, and most days I felt like I was walking on eggshells without even knowing what the rules were. I would get accused of things I couldn’t remember doing, and no matter how hard I tried to explain myself, it usually didn’t matter. There were times I genuinely believed I was the problem. I was told I was difficult, that I didn’t understand anything, that I needed to be somewhere else. After hearing that enough times, you start to question your own memory, even your own sense of reality. What made it worse was the confusion. I wasn’t sure what was real in terms of what I had done wrong versus what I was being told I did wrong. That constant doubt about myself stayed with me for a long time. Even when things weren’t physical anymore, the emotional impact didn’t go away. Feeling unwanted or like you’re a burden can cut just as deep as anything else. Looking back now, I realize I was a kid trying to survive in an environment where everything felt unpredictable. I didn’t have language for what was happening then. I just knew I felt alone most of the time. One thing I wish someone had told me back then is that confusion in situations like that is normal. When your environment is unstable, your mind struggles to organize what’s true and what’s not. It’s not a sign that you are broken or “stupid,” even when that’s what you’re being told. If anyone reading this has grown up in something similar, I just want to say this clearly: the way you felt in that environment made sense. And the way you might still feel now also makes sense. Healing for me has been about slowly rebuilding trust in my own perception again. Not rushing it. Not forcing it. Just learning piece by piece that my experience matters and I don’t have to erase it to move forward.