Watching My Mom Retire Made Me Realize How Much Energy Masking Costs

One of the most unexpected things I've witnessed over the past few years is what happened when my mom retired. She's in her mid-sixties now, and it's like a switch slowly flipped. Growing up, she was always good at fitting in. Looking back, I realize that wasn't necessarily because it came naturally to her. It was because she had to. For her generation, standing out could come with consequences. Adapting wasn't optional. It was survival. The more I learn about neurodivergence, the more I wonder how much of her life was spent masking. Then retirement happened. Without a workplace, performance reviews, office politics, and constant social expectations, she seemed to stop forcing herself into shapes that never fit comfortably in the first place. And honestly, I understand why. I'm AuDHD myself, and I've spent most of my life doing the same thing. Learning which behaviors are acceptable. Hiding the things that make me stand out. Suppressing stims. Trying not to look different. For years I would destroy perfectly good clothing because I needed sensory input and didn't know what else to do. These days I wear jewelry that gives my hands something to do instead. It saves my clothes, but more importantly, it lets me regulate without feeling like I need to hide every part of myself. That's probably the biggest change as I've gotten older. I've stopped assuming that every harmless behavior needs to be masked. I still care about other people. I still try to be respectful. But I've also realized that constantly making myself uncomfortable so everyone else can feel comfortable isn't a sustainable way to live. Masking has a cost, and I don't think we talk about that enough. For some people it's exhaustion. For others it's anxiety, burnout, depression, or the feeling that they don't even know who they are underneath all the adaptations they've built over the years. Watching my mom become more herself after retirement has made me wonder how many neurodivergent people spend decades carrying a weight they don't even realize they're carrying until they finally put it down.