If they make you feel like your needs are too much — leave
By Eli Mercer on
I used to think I was asking for too much. A text back. A little reassurance. A consistent tone. The same warmth I tried to give.
But some people will make you believe that the bare minimum is a luxury that your need for clarity, consistency, or kindness means you’re “too sensitive,” “too intense,” or “too much.”
I’ve learned that’s not love. That’s emotional starvation dressed up as connection.
If someone truly wants to be in your life, they won’t make you feel like you’re demanding oxygen just for asking to breathe. They’ll meet you halfway not make you apologize for needing what every human deserves: respect, care, and clarity.
It took me a long time to understand this, but love isn’t about shrinking yourself so someone else can stay comfortable. It’s about standing in who you are and realizing that the right people won’t call your needs “too much.”
They’ll call it normal. They’ll call it love.
Replies (14)
- Charlotte: Beautifully said, Eli. That’s exactly it. The right people won’t make you feel like you’re asking for too much, they’ll be grateful you know how to ask at all
- Eli Mercer: Reading all of your replies honestly means a lot. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who’s had to unlearn this. I think we all deserve love that doesn’t make us shrink or second-guess ourselves. It’s not about being “too much.” It’s about finding people who see your needs as human, not inconvenient. ❤️
- JugglingNothing: That’s the truth. I think a lot of us grew up watching relationships that normalized emotional chaos, so when we finally experience calm, it feels foreign. But once you get a taste of mutual effort — real communication, real care — you can’t go back. You start realizing that love isn’t supposed to drain you. It’s supposed to fill you.
- Real Ray C: I’ve had that same realization. I used to think love had to be dramatic to be real. But now I crave the kind of love that feels like exhaling — no guessing, no walking on eggshells, just peace.
- Charlotte: That’s such a good point about the nervous system. I remember reading that sometimes we mistake anxiety for excitement because it feels familiar. That hit me hard. When I finally started feeling calm in a relationship, I thought something was wrong — like it was “too easy.” Turns out, that’s what safety feels like. 💛
- Eli Mercer: Yes, exactly. I used to confuse “passion” with emotional whiplash. I thought the highs and lows meant it was real. But now I see that love shouldn’t feel like survival mode.
- JugglingNothing: That part about not knowing how to accept healthy love — I felt that. When someone finally treated me with real care, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’d overthink every silence, every pause, because I was so used to inconsistency.
- JugglingNothing: That part about not knowing how to accept healthy love — I felt that. When someone finally treated me with real care, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’d overthink every silence, every pause, because I was so used to inconsistency.
- Real Ray C: Your line about “emotional starvation dressed up as connection” really stuck with me. That’s exactly what it feels like, you’re technically “in” something, but you’re starving the whole time. I think a lot of us mistake intensity for intimacy. But real love is calm. It’s consistent. It doesn’t make you question if you’re asking for too much just by wanting to feel safe.
- Charlotte: Exactly. That “patience” trap is so real. I used to tell myself that if I just loved harder, they’d finally see my worth. But love shouldn’t feel like a waiting game. It should feel like a partnership. When I finally met someone who communicated openly and didn’t make me feel like a burden, it was almost uncomfortable at first — like I didn’t know how to accept it. That’s how deep the conditioning goes. 😞
- Eli Mercer: That’s actually really powerful, Miles. It takes a lot to admit that. I think a lot of people don’t realise how much silence or inconsistency can hurt — it’s not always about big fights or dramatic moments. Sometimes it’s just the quiet neglect that wears you down. I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and it makes you start questioning your worth. But once you step away, you realise it was never about being “too much.” It was about being with someone who gave too little.
- JugglingNothing: When I was younger, I used to shut down emotionally and call it “space.” But looking back, I see how that made people feel small and unwanted. Reading your post reminded me how important it is to show up for people, not just say you care.
- Real Ray C: I used to think love meant being patient while someone “figured themselves out,” but really, I was just accepting crumbs. I’d convince myself that if I just stayed calm and understanding, they’d eventually meet me halfway. Spoiler: they never did. It’s wild how we can get conditioned to think that asking for basic emotional respect is somehow demanding. I’m still unlearning that.
- Charlotte: I spent years in a relationship where I was constantly told I was “too emotional” or “too needy.” All I ever wanted was consistency a text back, a little reassurance, like you said. But every time I asked for that, I was made to feel like I was asking for the world. It took me a long time to realise that I wasn’t asking for too much, I was just asking the wrong person. When I finally left, I felt this weird mix of grief and relief. Grief for what I thought I had, and relief for finally being able to breathe again. 💔