Why some of us don’t really “have friends” even when we know people

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I’m curious how many people relate. I’ve realized I’m pretty rigid when it comes to values. Not in a loud or judgmental way, but internally. If someone has a worldview I find harmful, toxic, or just fundamentally off, I can’t really connect with them. I can be around them, sure. I can even be friendly. But it never crosses into real friendship. For example, I had someone I spent a lot of time with during an internship. We talked; we worked together; we even joked around sometimes. But I never felt comfortable around him. His perspective on life leaned toward being dismissive and borderline abusive toward others. That alone created a wall for me. So even though we were “friends” by circumstance, I never saw him as a real one. And that made me realize something: a lot of us don’t lack social opportunities; we lack alignment. Another thing about me: I almost never initiate calls, even with people I genuinely like. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just… I’m comfortable in my space. I don’t feel that pull to reach out. If someone calls me, I’ll gladly talk. I enjoy it. But I rarely feel the need to start that interaction myself. So what does that mean? I think for people like me, a few things are going on: 1. High value filters (whether intentional or not) If you’re selective about how people think, act, or treat others, your circle automatically shrinks. You’re not willing to “force” connection just to avoid being alone. 2. You don’t rely on social interaction for emotional regulation Some people need to talk things out constantly. Others process internally. If you fall into the second group, you won’t feel a strong urge to call or text just to feel okay. 3. Comfort in solitude can reduce social initiative When your baseline state is “I’m good on my own,” reaching out feels optional, not necessary. Over time, that can make relationships feel one-sided, even if that’s not your intention. 4. Circumstantial friendships don’t convert into real ones School, work, and internships create proximity, not compatibility. Once the shared environment is gone, so is the connection. 5. Low tolerance for misalignment If something feels off, you don’t push through it. You withdraw. That protects your peace, but it also limits how many people get close. I don’t think this is a “problem” in the traditional sense. But it does come with trade-offs. You protect your standards and your peace, but you might end up with fewer deep connections or connections that depend on the other person initiating. I’m trying to figure out where the balance is. How do you stay true to your values without isolating yourself? How do you maintain friendships when you don’t naturally feel the need to reach out? Curious how others navigate this.